People & Places

‘Real Housewives of Orange County’: A Season Premiere Recap

April 15, 2014

5306

Heather’s Manor

Heather Dubrow, Duchess of Crystal Cove, has been spending the last few months building her new mansion in the hills of Newport Coast. Spelling Manor Adjacent will be 17,000 square feet and include a motorcade, beauty salon, marble pillars and a library filled with encyclopedias and old “Murder She Wrote” VHS tapes. But until then, she and her family are huddling together in a modest rental home with sweeping beach views and a four-car garage. It has forced them to see each other and communicate, which frustrates Terry. He preferred their old house, which was so large he’d have to set off a flare when he needed someone to find the TV remote. One of the things Heather loved about her own childhood home was the secret trap door her parents had installed in the children’s wing. She wanted to recreate it for her kids, so her builder found a lady in the neighborhood with such a feature. She’s got a nice house, he explained, though several streets below her plot.

New Girl

Shannon is a nice gal. She’s got three kids, one who was conceived on her honeymoon and twins born after a drunken night dressed up like the lead singer of Def Leppard. It was through a DNA test that they were confirmed biological matches, even though they grew in her lady cavity with her husband’s sperm. She was unsure because unlike most twins they preferred separate bedrooms as infants. Her home is inviting, like a never-ending episode of “Downton Abbey.” She’s a holistic sort of girl who is opposed to radiation-filled cell phones and Wi-Fi, but still loves getting botulism injected into her face. She was born into a very rich family and because of this she believes her family should be grounded, which is why she got marble from Italy installed in all their bathrooms. She and her husband have been married for 13 years, but some of the fireworks have disappeared. Now, it’s just like two ships passing in the night or sitting down to a bowl of lettuce and a couple of pieces of overcooked organic chicken.

Gym Rats

Tamra and Eddie have been working on their gymnasium empire. With son Ryan working the front desk and Eddie teaching spin and weight training classes, it’s been an all hands on deck process. She’s never worked this hard and rarely takes a break, but when she needs it she jumps on her spin bike and looks at the panoramic poster of the Grand Canyon. She worries about the younger women clients because she’s getting old. Just the other day she tried to clap during a push-up and slammed her veneers into a mat. But she’s prepared because she keeps a pocketknife in her yoga pants.

Lonesome Dove

Vicki is finally divorced. It’s hard for her being alone in a house where no one is allowed to drink red wine or take off his or her shoes. Thankfully, a young man with the desire to sell life insurance is willing to spend two nights a week. That way she has someone to house-sit and chat with in the morning over pancakes. Brianna has been living in a condo but has received orders to flee to Oklahoma, which Vicki refers to as a shit hole in the middle of the country, with her husband who has returned from deployment. She is looking forward to leaving the Orange Curtain because her relationship with her mother is messy. This is news to Vicki, who believes that her relationship with her daughter is “rock solid” despite audiotape proving her boyfriend Brooks is 100-percent nut bag.

Heard from Gretchen?

Tamra and Heather joined up in a full face of makeup and coordinated workout gear to marvel at Heather’s plot of land. They were concerned that Vicki was still dating Brooks, who they both agreed was vile. Had they heard from Gretchen? Not since Tamra’s wedding. She’d been kind enough to gift her with a plastic satchel from the Gretchen Christine line of rolling bags sold exclusively at the kiosk in the alley behind a Chinese restaurant in Venice Beach. But as Heather pointed out, she still had a year to send her a gift. Heather hadn’t heard from Gretchen either except for word that she and Slade had stopped by Terry’s office to get facial reconstruction.

Hawaiian Dreams

Heather, Tamra and Vicki spent a few days in Hawaii while Heather filmed scenes for an upcoming episode of “Hawaii Five-O.” They took surfing lessons and lounged on the beach. They gnawed on cobs of corn. We are left with them enjoying a delicious dinner and arguing over the correct temperature of wine. The problem, according to Vicki, was that Heather always has to be right. For example, Heather had to point out plumeria is a Hawaiian flower and not, as Vicki had suspected, a sexually transmitted disease that requires antibiotics. She just didn’t have the same sense of humor as Vicki and Tamra. They were fun and Heather was rigid. Heather is the kind of girl who wears SPF 50 to the beach with a set of pearls while Vicki and Tamra lay in tin foil and drink from neon plastic cups. Heather likes to cross her legs and drink Champagne. Vicki and Heather like to dry hump a bar while licking tequila from a tourist’s belly button.

Next week: Another new girl emerges—stay tuned.

Kate Casey is an Newport Beach-based blogger and public relations professional. Follower her on Twitter @katecasey and visit her blog for regular entertainment insights with an extra helping of wit at loveandknuckles.com.